I've been a nervous wreck for a week. Actually, it started at the beginning of the summer. Things have been unsettled since the beginning of June and I have a low tolerance for that, so I quickly reached my coping limit and descended into anxiety.
A number of bad, or at least undesirable, things have happened over the past couple of months. This was all preceded by two years of stagnation punctuated by irritations. It finally made me question my competence to function as a responsible adult and I started to feel pretty bad about myself and my life.
It became acute this week, draining my energy and will. I had no desire to do anything and just brooded constantly on the sorry state of things. Trying to do anything, at work or at home, seemed overwhelming and futile. I just put in my time until I could go to bed, where I could at least forget about it all for a few hours. That didn't always help though, because I had a few disturbing dreams that clearly reflected my paranoid state of consciousness. Yesterday I finally broke down and bought some whiskey. I simply couldn't tolerate living in constant torment anymore.
For reasons unknown, the awful anxiety and despair abated today. I'm feeling better but kind of raw and still smarting from it, and it's put a serious dent in my "just watch it" project. It really hurt and watching it didn't seem to be very useful. But I guess trying to get out of it, even through watching it, is still the action of the self and is shunting you off onto a dead end. It's terribly hard though, sometimes impossible, to bear that kind of unrelenting psychological pain for very long.
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8 comments:
i haven't read you for very long, so am not sure of the particular nuances. but maybe see your doctor? sounds like depression and anxiety, which is totally treatable. i have a feeling though that you know all this. still, maybe revisit dosages or the idea altogether?
life's too short to spend it in pain. i wish you Light!
Hi Crys,
You're right, life is too short to be depressed, and that's why I'm doing what I'm doing. It's been happening for a long time and I have to find out what it really is and how to deal with it or it will never be resolved.
I did try the medication road once, and it wasn't terribly effective for me. I always had the feeling that depression was actually some sort of spiritual crisis, for lack of a better term, but I wasn't able to figure it out for a long time.
Using medication (or whiskey) might help with the more obvious symptoms, especially the anxiety, but it would cover up the real problem and I wouldn't be able to deal with it properly. It's probably awful to read about, but believe it or not, it's not as bad as it used to be.
And these days, once it's gone, it's gone. It really tapered off yesterday and now it's like it never happened. I no longer think of myself as having depression or being depressed; it's just that sometimes depression happens.
Anyway, thanks for your concern. :)
oh no, it isn't awful to read about, please don't think that.
i just didn't know what you'd tried or if you'd thought about meds at all, so i wanted to throw it out there on the off chance it'd help you. personally, i've tried medication before for some situational stress, and it "worked." i think mostly what it did was provide enough distance between myself and the "issues" that, once i stopped taking it, i didn't break my stride and kept on moving normally in my life. i don't know if i'm even making sense.
honestly, though, i'm not sure if i'd go back to meds now if i encountered the same kind of situation. i think i'd get extremely rigorous and dedicated with my nutrition and exercise. i believe consistent exercise alone can mitigate a huge portion of depression (i've heard quotes of near 90%), and getting the body into chemical balance (through nutrition) certainly helps too.
i also read your post about having a good weekend, just chilling out, heading to the coffee shop and reading mags, and i think that sounds great. that kind of thing is absolutely needed and restorative. life doesn't have to be serious all the time, it can be frivolous and goofy, too.
and so you let me know how that Hancock movie is, hon. ;)
...oh, and i want to see Stepbrothers. talk about goofy!
I totally wanted to see Stepbrothers too but I can't get anyone to go along! Maybe next weekend I'll drag my brother to it. Hancock was okay, no great shakes. Will Smith is a really good actor though, and Jason Bateman made the movie with his funny character.
I'd sort of forgotten about the exercise thing. That does help tremendously. It's been so hot here that I've laid off walking as much as I could do, so that probably didn't help.
Anyway I'm still feeling much better and having a carefree weekend helped a lot too. Viva goofiness.
Plus I picked up a Joel Goldsmith book when I bought the mags and it's extremely good! Thanks for mentioning him to me.
fab! which book are you reading?
his life story was quite interesting.
I'm reading Invisible Supply and I ordered The Infinite Way. I looked him up on Wikipedia so I got the Cliff's Notes version of his life.
cool. my next one is Practicing the Presence or something like that. The Infinite Way is meaty. ALL of it is meaty. makes a sister think.
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